Quaalude Baby Beanie

The Quaalude Baby Beanie is what happens when you mix parental burnout with flawless branding instincts.

Crisp white cotton. One size fits heads that don’t remember yesterday and haven’t earned tomorrow. Stamped front and center with an oversized vintage Quaaludes prescription label, like your newborn was discharged directly from a 1972 psych ward. It’s soft, safe, and wildly inappropriate—everything a modern parent should be.

Let’s be honest: this isn’t for the baby. This is for the mother who hasn’t slept in three weeks, has coffee in her hair, and needs some part of this experience to feel controlled. It’s a visual sedative. A wearable joke only the exhausted will understand. A nod to the pill that helped a generation of women survive playdates, dinner parties, and the quiet breakdowns in between.

The Quaalude Baby Beanie doesn’t make parenting easier. But it does make strangers stop and ask, “Wait… what?”

It’s not soft because the baby needs it. It’s soft because you do.

The Quaalude Baby Beanie. For the baby. For the brand. Mostly for your sanity.